In London a great commotion was caused by the rumour of a visit to the kingdom by the ruler of the Aremoricans. It had happened that the Aremoricans had chosen for their leader a jester called Donald. Donald was like a new Zercon, Attila’s jester, about whom the learned Priscus tells us. He wandered about wearing strange, ill-fitting costumes, bumbling, playing the warrior and saying whatever barbarous words came into his head and nothing at all sane. Some found this a huge joke but others were afraid, for the Aremoricans are a powerful people.

Now I must digress from my History to tell you of the Aremoricans and how this Donald came to rule them. Many years ago, some Europeans encountered a new land called North Aremorica. This is far to the west of Hibernia and Thule. It is not Old Aremorica, which is now called Brittany, which is not Great Britain but Lesser Britain. Just so we’re clear. Many flocked to live there. They killed and drove out the natives and then, about 200 years afterwards, felt bad about that. At first they were ruled by the King of the Angles, Saxons, Britons, Picts and Scots but later they threw off his tyrannous yoke and established a Republic in the fashion of the Romans of old, called the United States of Aremorica. There were, however, yet many slaves in this Republic. These were freed after a great civil war. The Aremoricans who, as I have said, were wise in the history of the Romans, thought that, by having their bellum civile and bellum servile all at once, they would get away with half the tiresome war commentaries. In this they were thwarted, for every person in charge of more than a cohort in these wars became the subject of a PhD thesis at the University of Virginia. These commanders wore very long beards and moustaches in the manner of the Franks and Lombards and all looked alike. One was called Murus Petri and another Strata Longa but I know not why, or which one was which.

Now, years passed and the Aremoricans were governed by a popular dux called Obama. At this same time Donald became a famous Jester. He entertained the people in a play called ‘Discipulus’, in which he played the role of the Magister and would end each act by saying ‘Dimissus es!’ This was very popular for, it pains me to say, the common folk like these things. One day, at a great banquet, Obama made fun of Donald the Jester. Donald wore a smile and kept his counsel but he felt a great rage in his heart and he swore he would avenge this insult. For the Aremoricans, while moved by the lofty ideals of the Romans, are yet by the Barbarians’ base desires motivated. [Did you see what I did there? Yes, it was a chiasmus. I hope you enjoyed it. I thank you.] Anyway, when Obama stood down, Donald schemed to replace him. Many of the other counts and nobles laughed at him and his ridiculous ways, for he was, as I have said, a jester, but Obama had made many of the common people very angry by providing skilled doctors and apothecaries who could treat their ailments for free. This violated an ancient custom of that country, which said that every free Aremorican had the right to die penniless in a ditch, from an easily-curable ague. Also, many feared that he wished to take away their javelins, slings and bows. These Aremoricans are greatly attached to their missile weapons. Some own many such weapons, or even a ballista. Quid plura? When the time came to choose, to the dismay of some and the delight of others, this Donald was chosen to be the leader of the Aremoricans, or Donald dux. He abolished all the laws of Obama as he had sworn in his heart he would. Thus it was that this man came to be visiting the Kingdom of the Angles, Saxons, Britons, Picts and Scots, and all fretted about what would happen when he arrived.