Among the North Aremoricans it is a wise law that every four years the people must choose the dux of the Republic. They may select the reigning dux but only for a single additional period of four years. Then they must choose someone else. The first period of Donald’s rule as dux was coming to an end and so the people began to consider whether he should stay as their ruler or whether a certain other man might take over. Now, the two factions of the North Aremoricans are called the Democrats and the Republicans, alternatively the Blues and the Reds, or the factions of the donkey and the elephant. Why these particular quadrupeds had been chosen as their symbols I know not. Be that as it may, during the reigns of Obama and Donald it had become clear that the chief names of these factions resulted from the fact that one party thought that it mattered most that the United States of Aremorica should be a democracy, whereas the other thought it most important that it be a republic. After much wrangling, the faction of the democrats elected to support the candidature of Josephus Bidens who, as I have mentioned before, was the former vice-dux of Obama and the least threatening old white man they could find. As his candidate for the post of vice-dux, however, Bidens selected a certain Kamala, not only a woman but also, as they say in that country, a woman of colour, which some of the North Aremoricans found very shocking for, as among the Angles and others, many of that people are quite dull-witted. Nevertheless, neither of them could exactly be called a dangerous revolutionary and this, in its way, was the intention, for in their cunning way the Democrats wished to lure as many of Donald’s followers away from loyalty to the dux without worrying them that anything very important might change.

This process took place at the same time as the ravages of the plague and the great uprising about which I just told you. By this time, many thousands of the North Aremoricans had died of the plague as a result of Donald’s buffoonery. You might have thought that this would have caused his popularity to fall yet further, for it had never been very high, except among true connoisseurs of ambitious-yet-demanding performance art. And among idiots of course. Indeed, it seemed that his popularity had fallen yet lower for when the chroniclers of the land asked people for whom they intended to vote, most responded that they would vote for Two-Teeth. Furthermore, as I have recounted in my New Histories, the Lord God had made very clear who the likely winner was by His increasingly unsubtle portents.

The two contenders conducted themselves in quite different fashion. At first Donald held great gatherings of his followers at which no precautions were taken against the spread of the plague and as a result, not a few contracted the illness and died. After a while, some of Donald’s advisors prevailed upon him to stop these assemblies for a while, although the dux himself had been unwilling to do this, as getting people to vote for him and accept that the great plague was a mere trifle or perhaps a hoax, even as he was himself killing them with it, was, or so he thought, his greatest artistic project yet. Instead, the wily dux came up with a new strategy. The North Aremoricans wisely allow people to cast their votes earlier or even to dispatch a document declaring their support for one or other candidate. As long as it arrives by a certain day, this is considered as valid as any other declaration of support. Donald now said that these ways of casting a vote were riddled with corruption, though none of this was true, and that the only vote that really counted one that was cast by someone who turned up on the day. By this clever ruse, he hoped that by crowding them into the voting booths he might cause them to catch the plague and die or, alternatively, that the queues would be so long that they would not be able to cast a vote before the day had ended. Such were Donald’s unfathomable schemes.

By contrast, Josephus ‘Two-Teeth’ had decided upon a quite different plan whereby he remained hidden in a cave. By this stratagem, worthy of a latter-day Frontinus or Vegetius, he hoped that he would reduce chances of himself making a gaffe, which were frankly quite high, and instead let the dux’s mad prating do his work for him, especially Donald’s refusal to take the plague seriously for the pestilence had now carried off more than a hundred thousand North Aremoricans, or so they say.

Nevertheless, the two leaders were at one point forced to come face to face in the North Aremoricans’ equivalent of the Ordeal of the Stools, about which I have told you earlier in my book. By custom, the contenders for the rulership of the North Aremoricans undergo three such ordeals, by the end of which the electors of the land can make an informed choice about which of them is the least deranged and vote for the other, or so the idea is. In this year, though, the first ordeal was an unworthy spectacle, for Donald used the occasion to shout and rail and tell many a bizarre tale, including a parable – or so it seemed – about a charmed forested land which he had visited. What the point of this story was no one appeared to know and yet, perhaps, that was the point. Such things are known only to the Almighty. Meanwhile Two-Teeth, unable to contain the rage that had boiled up within him and impervious to the artistic creativity to which he was witness, eventually spoke out in a great voice, telling the dux ‘tace, homo!’ At the end, all departed the event in confusion and shame. Such was the disquiet that, using the pretext of the plague, the second ordeal was cancelled. Eventually another ordeal was held but it was a disappointment to all for neither the dux and his challenger said anything of much interest or amusement to anyone. Let that be enough of the ordeals.

Finally, the day came round on which the votes were to be counted. Now, Donald dux’s law-men had made many a suit against the various satrapies which allowed votes to be sent in using the mail. As a result these votes had not yet, as would usually have been the custom, been counted. On the other hand, as I have told you, the dux had encouraged his followers to make their choice on the day. Consequently, because these votes alone had been tallied on the day, it seemed that Donald had, against the expectations of all, been chosen to serve for a second term. Indeed, Donald announced that he had won and a great gloom fell upon many. But woe to the prideful! Vanity of vanities – all is vanity, hath the preacher rightly said. For now all the other votes cast in advance or sent in by messenger could be counted, and of these the great majority were in favour of Josephus. So it happened that gradually the number of votes against Donald rose until they were like unto the sands of the deserts of Arizona, which is a satrapy of that land. Three days and nights passed, during which the followers of Donald dux beset the places where the votes were counted, demanding that the counting stop in those satrapies where the dux was in the lead, butthat all the votes continue to be counted in those where Two-Teeth had the advantage. Thus they made clear their support for the idea of the res publica over that of the Democracy. Eventually, though, the counting ended and those who were responsible for overseeing the tally declared that Bidens was the winner. And there was great relief and rejoicing, but this was not the end of the matter.