Alas, I have long been unable to find the time to write my History, prevented as I have been from putting quill to velum by the diabolical intervention of a wicked crowd of fools and heretics directed by a Pict, and their attempt to oust me from my see. Fortunately, as in 580, I was able to evade the machinations of the wicked but I will say no more on that subject lest you begin to think me much the same. Nonetheless the Sun’s fiery orb has made a full turn around the globe of the Earth and there is so much for me to tell that I should tarry no longer.

As I have narrated earlier in my book, the North Aremoricans had chosen Josephus ‘Two-Teeth’ to replace Donald as their dux or leader. Donald dux, however, was in no wise willing to accept his defeat and schemed to have the result changed by various ruses. Here, his followers insisted that all of the votes cast be counted again, one by one, but this resulted only in the discovery that the victory of Bidens had been won by a yet greater margin; there Donald himself tried to have the ruler of a satrapy declare that he had been chosen by that region, although he failed to realise that his words were being noted by a stenographer and so everyone saw his wrongdoing. In yet a third place the news-criers of Res Novae Vulpi, who were great supporters of Donald, announced that the contraptions used to count the votes had been designed to discount any votes cast for the old dux, but the makers of the contraptions brought the news-criers to court and charged them to pay an enormous wergild for telling such lies. So, all of these plans came to nought, as the worldly doings of men are wont to. Yet again, though, the High Priests of the temple of Moma in Novum Eboracum expressed a different view and declared that the way Donald carried out these strange deeds while at the very same time thwarting them or having them undermine his own position was, once again, the mark of performance art of the highest absurdist brilliance. Thus was the judgement of the priests of the pagans, on which I shall not comment.

Be all that as it may, Donald travelled the land stating that he had been chosen to be dux for a second term but that wicked folk had conspired to conceal this truth. Sad it is for me to report that many North Aremoricans believed this fatuous talk for they are a stubborn folk and, once convinced on some point or other, they are difficult to shift from their belief. Donald, indeed, called upon his followers to assemble in the capital city of the North Aremoricans which as I have said before is for some reason called Washington 600, and to do this on the 8th day before the Ides of January. On that day the lawmakers of the North Aremoricans were to assemble in a great mallus [legal assembly – ed.] and formally declare that Bidens would be the next dux.

So it came to pass on that day that a tumultuous crowd assembled outside the Domus Alba to hear Donald Dux give a great oration. Not far away, the senators and lawmen assembled in a great building which the North Aremoricans, once again copying the Roman republic of old, had called the Capitol. Now, the assembly was held under the guidance of the man who had been Donald’s own vice-dux, Michaelis Denarius. Donald repeatedly urged this Michaelis not to ratify Josephus’ election or at least to stall for time, but to his credit (see what I did there?) Denarius refused to do this and remained true to the rule of law, somewhat to everyone’s surprise. Meanwhile, Donald’s speech, in its usual freewheeling form, was rousing his followers to ever greater ire as the dux told them how he would march with them to seize the Capitol. A great throng took him at his word and set off for that building, whereupon Donald promptly went in a different direction and back to the Domus Alba, where he railed at his courtiers in a great fury, possibly because they had been insufficiently appreciative of the Dada-ist qualities of his performance.

The crowd however surged over the barriers around the Capitol with a great clamour and tumult, for the Watch who stood guard made little attempt to stop them on account of the crowd being mostly composed of white people. Donald’s followers stormed through the Capitol’s various chambers, looking for the lawmakers, but fortunately, deo adiutante, these had escaped just in time. Many of the crowd wore outlandish costumes and painted their faces like the Picts and one sported bull’s horns on his head as though he were attending the pagan festival of the Kalends of January but had arrived a few days late. Such a gathering of fools and knaves had, indeed, not been seen since the inaugural meeting of the Bishop Felix of Nantes Appreciation Society. Great looting, plundering, and taking of selfies followed hard upon the crowd’s entrance into the building. But yet, what pride and rashness! For those who had taken self-portraits amid the scenes of looting posted them on the Liber Vultus and were thus able to be apprehended by the Watch, when the latter finally got round to it. Whilst all this was happening, Donald was urged to make a pronouncement calling upon his followers to desist but he refused to do so until late in the day and then only in a half-hearted way, which came as a surprise to no one. The militia too was called upon to intervene but did so only once most of the rebels had gone home, having failed to prevent the ratification of Josephus’ election. Thus ended a great day of empty-headedness, futility, and general coming-to-nothingness of worldly plans. No little tragedy accompanied the whole business; the sins of the North Aremoricans must have been very great. Not long afterwards the assembly of the North Aremorican lawmen agreed for a second time to impeach Donald, charging him with having instigated the diabolic uprising, which had also, interestingly, been the first absurdist revolt in history. Equally, if you consult the great works of the historians, you will see that never before was a dux of the North Aremoricans impeached twice during his rule. Such are these times of tribulation and perdition. The whole business certainly did not disappoint those – inspired by the devil – who are lovers of farce and idiocy. The leaders of the Party of the Republicans, those who, as I have told you, prefer the continuation of the republic to the maintenance of democracy, at first professed their disgust at the actions of Donald and their belief that he should be punished but then voted against finding him guilty of anything. Indeed almost all of the senators who belonged to the Party of the Republicans, or the factio bona vetusque[1]as it is called, voted to acquit Donald. Thus, in a triumph of devilish fatuity, were the hopes of Donald’s enemies dashed. Nevertheless, Two-Teeth was installed as dux as planned.

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[1] Good Old Party – ed.