Gregorius Turonensis: Historian and Political Commentator

When the Great Plague raged in the Kingdom of the Angles, Saxons, Britons, Picts and Scots, the government of Boris son of John responded at first by doing nothing, as I have told you. They said that the plague was but a light fever and only someone like unto Johannes Barbarus, or Johnny Foreigner as…

This great plague continued to ravage the world and, as happens so often with such pestilences, its visitations were not evenly spread for the wealthy and privileged suffered less than those who were poor, ill-treated or discriminated against. In this the mercy of the Lord is difficult to discern but the sinful human mind is…

The sins of the world go on being piled up endlessly, one on another, so that they cannot fail to come to the attention of the Lord Himself. Yet the Lord God is a merciful God who shows his mercy and love and willingness gently to bring the unrighteous back to the paths of the…

It is high time that I told you what had happened in the realm of the Angles, Saxons, Britons, Picts and Scots, painful though it is to relate the story of the continued tribulations of this forsaken people. As Autumn drew to its windy close, Boris the son of John announced that he wished to…

Such are these times, when the tares of the Devil are everywhere to be found. So great has been my grief at the state of the world of men as it hurtles towards the end times that I have been unable even to take up my pen; so painful the tears of compunction that I…

In those days, the men of Tours were trained for war in mysterious ways, especially against an invasion of blue horseless carriages, probably from Nantes. The local count and his men trained them at great length how to shoot any man who was scruffily dressed for strict laws had been passed against baggy T-shirts and…

It is high time that I told you more about the deeds of Donald, Dux of the North Aremoricans, whose estates were plagued with the monstrous holes in the ground which I just described. His rule had been characterised by many a scandal and commotion and this had been a source of great frustration for…

Portents were similarly seen in many other lands. In the land of the Franks a black panther was seen walking on the rooftops of Armentières, which greatly frightened the inhabitants of that city. Not for nothing had the prophet said ‘a leopard or panther shall lie in wait against their cities. Everyone who goes out…

While Boris and his council continued their preparations for the No Deal Apocalypse, portents were seen throughout the land, confirming the approach of the end of times. Indeed, on the very night that he was selected by the faction of the Right Bastards to be the new Mayor of the Palace great thunderstorms were experienced…

No sooner had Boris, the son of John, assembled a government, then his forces suffered a defeat in a battle at Radnor. The opponents of the rebellion against the Western Empire joined forces and narrowly beat the forces of the Right Bastards, who were led by the man who had earlier been dismissed for his…